When to tell or not to tell.

I realize most people write blogs in the present. Blogs resemble the diary in a modern age. For the next few entries, I'm writing in the past and attempting to catch up to the present. I'm not too far away.

In my donor egg education, I found fertility blogs to be insightful and comforting. I loved reading about donors and why they decided to donate. I cried when I learned other woman avoided their pregnant friends and felt guilty like I did. Blogs can be educational. They can be hillarious. They can also be healing.

If we have a child, we've agreed to tell them the story of their birth. We're not quite sure how or when, but we agree it's important to tell. Eventually we'll probably tell our family and close friends. I think woman are incredibly fortunate to have this option. For me, I see no reason to keep it hidden forever. Although I respect anyone's decision not to tell.

Sometimes I wonder why I've chosen to keep my IVF plight secret from my closest friends and family. I haven't even told my closest sister who I can tell my deepest, most disgusting secrets to with no judgment on any level (a mutual pact.)

I'm grateful for amazing friends and family. They love me. They love my man. Most of my inner circle are blessed with healthy, adorable children and they would be over-the-moon happy for us if a child came into our world. But these same friends/family shouldered my not-so-private pain and disappointment when my fertility path lead to a nowhere a few years back.

In spite of their good intentions, I realize I couldn't face 'that' look. That 'look of worry' in their eyes that it might not happen for me again. Believe me I've dealt with that worry. I've faced that real concern and I've decided to go for it again. This time, with better odds, a clear intention and certainly a better partner.

So for now, it's kept private. Between he and I. Well, I guess that's not entirely true. I do have a wonderful counselor (more of a life coach) who I call from time to time. And then there's my acupuncturist who treats me for fertility. She's wise, talented and funny as hell. She lets me ramble for most of my session. She's a great listener, and sometimes that's all I really need.

My best friend keeps telling me she's having dreams that I'm pregnant. I'm dying to tell her. She'd be fascinated by the science and miracle of it all. I know I am. I hope I'll have an amazing story to share with her in just a few more months. I really do. I'm just not ready to share it right now.