Saturday, October 17, 2009

The 24-hour Wallow

The other day I visited an old friend and came home feeling miserable. It was nothing she said or anything she did. It was only a few hours spent with her and her adorable girls. Beautiful toddlers with faces that lit up when I entered the room. Despite a lovely afternoon that included wine and Auntiie Em cupcakes, I could not shake the feeling of sadness when I returned home.

It had been awhile since I had visited and now I remembered why. She had the one thing that had eluded me for so many years. What I felt was envy. Pure and simple. That ugly emotion we are taught to ignore. It was choking me and I couldn't let it go. So I didn't, I decided to wallow. But this time , I did something different. Instead of moping for days, my wallow had a 24-hour limit. My screenwriter neighbor (who deals with rejection on a daily basis) first suggested this uncanny notion. It's like a 24-hour cleanse of all the vile that's in your body. I was intrigued.

What to do in 24 hours.

Go ahead and wallow. Wallow in your misery. Wallow in your pain. Wallow in the injustice. You might not be able to tell someone to 'fuck off' when they tell you 'just relax and it will happen.,' but imagine what that would feel like if you did. It's your 24-hour day, do whatever the hell you want. Stay in bed. Watch bad reality. Write it. Burn it. Eat chocolate. Drink wine. Don't pick up your phone when your mother calls. Infertility sucks and you deserve a good wallow.

And if you need longer, well, you need longer. Whatever gets you through the day, is right for you. For me, I'm trying this new rule out. Is it working? I'm not so sure, but I'm willing to give it a try. The alternative doesn't feel so great.

I've experienced pain and paralyzing bouts of fear that I would never achieve this lifelong dream. It's impossible to deny these feelings, but I decided to not allow these feelings to rule me. Even if the outcome isn't what I imagine, I can, in this moment
choose not to wallow in worry.

Donor eggs. Adoption. Foster Care. When I consider these options I think I'll wallow in hope.

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